Cruising Right Along

Sunday, August 27, 2006

One of those days...

Payton won't eat, nurse or sleep. He's completely refusing purees, is screaming at my boob like it's a megaphone and is super fussy. His naps have been *maybe* 30 minutes long where he usually naps at least an hour and a half. This has been going on for two days.

I know it's probably normal baby stuff, but I can't help but worry.

He's just about ready to crawl and he's super frustrated and is pulling up on everything and can now sit up from a hands and knees position (that was a sight to see last night!). I know babies get all out of sorts when they are about ready to hit a major milestone.

He's teething too. He's putting everything in his mouth except food!!!

Rick is out of town for another nine days - he just left on Friday AM. He is a HUGE part of Payton's routine that is missing now. It's very hard to fill those shoes.

There is so much worry and baggage that comes with having a reflux kidlet! It is pure torture if there is one little hiccup in the regular schedule or routine no matter how small. I fear having to do another surgery and there is so much that can go wrong with the surgery he has had. Thoughts like that run through my mind when he stops eating - even for one meal.

Everything was going along swimmingly and now... pffffftttttt. I so want him weaned off of his tube! He should be able to catch up in the next few months and then we can start the process, but I'm scared to death about getting him to eat enough without supplementing with tube feeds!!! I want to take that darn button out! Aaaaauuuuugggghhh!!! It's days like this that make me doubt it will ever be possible!!

I know it could be way worse, believe me. I'm so thankful for what I have, but some days - for me - the light I saw at the end of the tunnel looks rather dim again.

Guh.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

One bad apple.

I really can't stand it when one person makes it miserable for everybody else.

It kinda ruins my day.

Angry bitch.

I'd be happy to see you leave. You make it very hard to be ourselves because you are so judgemental and rude. Today you crossed the line and tore someone else apart just to appease yourself. So not cool. And in public too?!? You only succeeded in making yourself look like an insecure attention whore.

Way to go.

Your little plan backfired, didn't it.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Wal~Mart

Ick.

I had to go in there today because Wal~Mart is the only place in San Diego that sells a certain type of sippy cup that Payton likes.

I think that every pedophile and pervert in North County San Diego shops at the Wal~Mart off of Nordhal. There are some freaky looking men in there. They stare. They lurk. They creep me out.

Not only that, but the BMI of the average shopper in there well exceeds the "Obese" mark. I have never seen so much blatant disregard for personal health and well-being in one place. The men are fat. The women are fat. The kids are fat. The employees are fat. Rolls, muffin tops, ass cracks, beer guts, bat wings, love handles, back fat, double chins.

Everyone is in such a hurry too. I think I got cut off three times in the short 15 minutes I was in the store. It's like road rage in there. I swear to you... the Oreos will still be there in 5 seconds. If not, I'm sure they have more in the back. This behavior continues into the parking lot as well. It wouldn't hurt you to park a few spots away from the front of the store and WALK to it, would it??? Do you have to curse each other out for the front parking spot? Who's ass is fatter? Is that how you determine who gets the spot? You would think I was at the zoo.

I was shocked at the lack of attention to personal grooming as well. Dirty faces and hands and clothes. Nasty teeth stained with cigarette smoke. Food stains on shirts. Dirty feet in falling apart sandals. Clothing that is too tight straining over bellies and boobs and butts and thighs. White bras under black mesh shirts with the tags sticking out. Guts hanging over.

Oh. And they have a McDonald's in there too. With a line. Sure... eat your grease burger while you buy Oreos and Diet Coke.

Is this what life is really like in the United States? Have I been blind to this phenomenon? Is it just this section of San Diego? Is this what Wal~Marts are like all over the country?? I don't recall this at Target or Kohl's or Sears.

Fat, angry Americans.

Wow.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Really bad day.

I am just done. Done.

I want out. I want to be free. I hate people today. California drivers suck. Everything is irritating. I think if I got up the courage to leave my house today I would loose it the second I got a whiff an any kind of bad customer service (not that I have any money to spend, but that's another story). I can't stand anyone touching me. Or talking to me. I want to be alone. In the dark. Silent. Nothing. I have no energy. My husband sucks. My mom is making me ill. The boy is under my skin. There is dust everywhere. I dusted two days ago. It's too hot outside. I have a pooch I can't get rid of. I'm hungry.

I can't get satified. In many ways.

This will all change by tomorrow. Or will it. What to do.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Because I can.

I have every right to use my child as a billboard. He ows me one.

Icky Sick

Last Thursday I got the flu. I have no idea where I got it from. It was one of those bugs that knock you down flat so fast that you have zero time to react. What made it worse was that on Sunday, I was feeling better so I went and ran a few errands with Rick. By the time I got home, I had a fever and was way worse than I was on Saturday. Monday was excruciating. Tuesday was better.

But then Payton got it. Tuesday night was horrible!! Poor little man! He was up every hour screaming because his nose was so stuffy. Babies breathe through their noses almost exclusively. They won't breathe through their mouths, only try to snuffle though the snot build up. He would wake up and scream and I would have to clean out his nose.

Easy? No.

To un-stuff baby's nose, you have to squirt saline drops up there, position him head down so the drops will soften the mucus and then suck it out with the "Bulb Syringe of Woe". This operation takes about 5 minutes, but it is 5 minutes of sheer agony. The poor little guy screams and flails and makes you feel like dying. Sucking out his nose is absolutley the worst thing ever. I would change nasty diapers all day if I could avoid the whole nose sucking thing.

I could get the poor little guy back to sleep if he was sleeping on me. I was a hot box. He was a hot box. The room was stuffy. Then I would cough from my leftover flu and wake him up. I think I got a total of about three hours of sleep last night over the entire 10 hours of attempting to do so.

The great thing about not sleeping at night, though, is a guaranteed two hour nap during the day. This nap deal is a great thing. He's unstuffed, fed and sleeping. I can sleep to. Hooray naps!

Hopefully tonight will be better.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Fixed

I found out her name and called to apologize.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Whoops

I just exploded on a poor lady on the other end of the phone. Now I feel really bad about it. She had nothing at all to do with the reason I was upset. I wish I knew her name to apologize.

Why did I explode?

Payton has had an appointment scheduled with his pediatrician for today at 11:45 for the past three weeks as far as I was concerned. I have the written appointment card and everything. I have been looking forweard to this since the day it was scheduled. I have told everyone and their dog about this appointment. I usually get a reminder call two days before the appointments and today I realized that I never got one so I called to confirm.

The receptionist never scheduled it in the computer. He was new - his second day. My beloved Patrick is no more at Dr. Smart's office and that sucks. *sniffle* He wrote out the card and never actually officially scheduled it.

I left a message for Dr. Smart's nurse. I can only imagine what it says: "Please call this rude crazy woman back or she will come down there and make an embarassment of herself at 11:45. Thank you."

I got a call back within 15 minutes. We're on at noon. Thank goodness.

I guess the reason I'm upset about this is that I didn't realize that the scars of our ordeal still run so deeply. I FLEW off the handle. The reaction did not fit the situation at all. I couldn't stop it, though. I'm still cut so deeply about Payton's health and well being that I completely lost it. My chest still hurts from the anger over the appointment situation. My throat hurts from choking back the tears. I'm embarassed that I have healed my son, but have not healed myself.